People of the 'Net
There are many different types of people on the
'net. Following are some that I have observed. Some people fit
into one of these categories, some into many, and people go from
category to category.
The Overwhelmed Newbie:
The great majority of people on the 'net fall into this category
when they first sign on. They are fascinated about the things
that are possible on the internet. They talk about things such as
"I can send flowers, check stocks, check sports scores,
order software, chat with a Burmese brain surgeon, email to the
former postmaster general, etc. etc. etc." These are the
people you see on the AOL commercials. Most Overwhelmed Newbies
grow out of it within any time from 2 weeks to 4 months, although
there are a few who have been overwhelmed newbies for years.
The Email Enthusiast:
The email enthusiast is a person who is on at least one mailing
list, has tons of email friends, and spends longer than three
minutes downloading his email on a 56k, not including the time it
takes to open and read it. He replies to more than half of the
emails he receives, taking anywhere from 5 minutes to 45 minutes
a day reading/replying to his email. He still adamantly believes
that clicking "reply" and writing a nasty note will
stop the porn advertisements.
The Chat Addict:
The chat addict is a self-explanatory name. This person goes on
the internet for one reason: to chat. He is well known in many
chat rooms and may sometimes be on late at night chatting. Some
more serious cases hardly ever log OFF; they leave their computer
on 24-7 and mark themselves "away" when they are not at
the computer. However, these cases barely ever make use of the
away function, and are simply devoid of sleep. People may
actually worry about this person's health if he doesn't show up
in a chat room at a certain time. He used to be more common a few
years back.
The "I think i'm so cool" person:
This is a person who thinks he's all that and a bag of chips just
because he's on the 'net. He strives to learn all of the "lingo"
and "jargon." This person often uses what i call the
"MCI smiley"[ : --- ) ]. His ultimate goal in life is
to become an official "insider" of every website and
online service known to man.
The Fanatic Nonsleeping Paid Surfer:
These are a dime a dozen since the advent of such sites as
AllAdvantage. You know them well, I'm sure. Who hasn't gotten an
email, instant message, or ICQ from a few dozen of these, each
claiming to have "just discovered a fantastic new service!"
They expect you to be as delightfully shocked as they seem when
they tell you "you can actually make money.... JUST FOR
SURFING THE WEB!" This is inevitably followed by the line
"It's not a hoax! They really pay!" These people look
for the countless souls that haven't signed on yet, to get
referral money. Some of them apparently have no social life, as
they claim income rivaling that of a legitimate computer
scientist. They have no shame, and will pester anyone and
everyone with hopes for a referral.
The Innocent Teenage Female, Single and
Looking VERY HARD:
Minding your own business, you may
be approached by the ITFSLVH. They found something interesting
about you in your profile, though all you've mentioned is your
membership in various horribly uninteresting activities. She's
looking for a person to chat with, and perhaps have a wholesome,
meaningful relationship. Unfortunately, you just want to check
your email, play a game, and go off to meet people in real life.
There is apparently an enormous surge of these lately from
Central and South America. To find one, simply indicate that you
speak Spanish in your ICQ or other similar profile, and you'll
meet a gross of them in no time!
The Always-On Sweepstakes Gamer:
If one wanders into the wonderful
world of online win-money games, he is sure to hear of, see, and
possibly meet a few of these. They are the ones who have been in
the trivia rooms long enough to achieve perfect scores in every
round, partially due to the fact that he has seen all the
questions. A killer of hopes and self esteem, his score of 10,000
kills any hopes you have of winning the prize after, with some
difficulty, you achieved a new personal record of 183. He
believes he will win the $20, Palm Pilot, BubbleJet, or gift
certificate, and doesn't realize that he's spent so much time
trying to win it, he could have earned it by now by working those
hours at minimum wage. A staunch disbeliever in the actuality of
statistics, he is sure that he will be the one to win the
blackout bingo or the free lottery drawing, although his chances
are equal to that of Barney the Dinosaur being the first earthen
creature to step on the surface of Mars.
The 24/7 Gamer:
This person is overjoyed at the delights of
online gaming... so much that it is all he does. One would assume
that the 24/7 gamer would have a variety of strategies that he
tries for the fun of it. However, this is seldom the case. The 24/7
Gamer is usually the person nobody will play with, as he has a
tried and tested build order, strategy, and "style," if
you will. He knows how to win, and that's all he wants to do. If
he does begin to lose, he considers it a waste of time and quits.
He has far passed the time of having fun, and is now on a pseudo-religious
mission to prove to the world that he is the master of the game,
even if nobody cares.
Angry, Cheap Gamer:
Anyone who has played games online more than a few times has run
into this person a few times. He is the person who spent the
money to get a CD burner for $200 so he can have games for "free."
That's not so rare, you say. True, but the ANGRY cheap gamer is
the one who can't get his burned games to work correctly. He
complains for hours in game lobbies that his copy does not work,
never getting it through his thick skull that he has a poor-quality
burned copy with anti-piracy safeguards. 90% deaf, he does not
hear people around him saying to either pay for the game or shut
up.
Easily Inspired Chain Bulkmailer:
Everyone knows one of these. Rarely more, rarely less. This is
the person that sends copies of every anecdote, sob story,
inspirational saying, and touching joke that comes by their way.
Often sending it twice just in case the first one didn't make it
to you, the EICB will fill your mailboxes with enough inspiration
to fill 43 "Chicken Soup" books. If one of these is in
your office, you will quickly learn that, second to the logging
industry, they are the biggest cause of deforestation known to
man. Each chain letter that reaches the EICB's emailbox is not
only electronically forwarded, but also printed out, full text,
and placed on all local desks and bulletin boards.
The Following were submitted by visitors to my site...
The -=KuLE-DoOoDe=-
This is the person that thinks they're ever-so big and clever because they style
their text with alternate upper and lower case letters. They also know most of
the special ascii characters and say things like ***W@rEz RµLeZ***.
Clothilde Clockstopper:
She's a Mountie with a mission, to get her man! The web is where
she works her wiles. Offline this lady desperatley needs to get a
life. You'll know you're chatting with her when she describes
herself as "Svelte, young and has a passion for poetry."
The Hind Tit:
This sad sack doesn't own a computer but knows someone who does
and has to wait eons before they can use it. Needless to say they
harbor secret fantasies of putting arsenic in the computer owners
coffee or hope they die and leave the computer in the will to
them.
Illiterati:
These folks think they'll master the computer by osmosis. They'd
rather eat schards of glass then pick up a manual and follow
instructions. They are the bane of technical support, (who often
put them on hold so they can make sarcastic comments without
being heard.)
Game Boy:
Easy to spot this chap. The circles under his eyes and permanent
mouse print on the palm attest to his addiction. Meanwhile, a
stack of homework accumulates cobwebs, even though the tool he
could use to complete it is right before his pinwheel eyes.
Net Evangelist:
He is an enthusiast who found religion! This person will extol
the virtues of the Net no matter what the application. Uses it
for everything from booking his car service to checking whether
the bathroom is free from his bed using a web cam.
the People of the Net page now has a message board... All visitors are encouraged
to visit, talk about the page, and make suggestions for new net people to be added
there... Also, if you have any ideas for "people of ....." pages, feel free to
start a thread or two :)
Blue Pineapple People Message Board
Comments? Suggestions? Drop a line to people@bluepineapple.com!
Submitted persons from the suggested persons board will be added
to the list, verbatim, as long as they are appropriate. They will
be noted as visitor submissions, and I will never sell them nor
give permission to use them to anyone else unless you tell me to.
People of the Net is now a part of my new website, BluePineapple.com. Drop on by and check out the rest of the site if you like by clicking on the blue pineapple below :)
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