Tourist Identification

This site is meant for people who are not certain whether or not they are considered a tourist. It is applicable in all "tourist destinations," although I created this list mostly based on my observations at Disneyland.

Each line has a point value next to it. If you answer yes to a question, add that number to your point value. If it appears that the questions are part of a series, add every point value that applies to you.

Answer the questions and add up your Tourist Score. Interpretations of point values will appear at the end of the page.

Special thanks to Kurt and Caylin.

10-Do you consider hip/fanny packs fashionable?
20-Do you wear one at all times while on vacation?
10-Do you refer to them as Fanny packs?
5-Do you put special emphasis on the "a" in "Fanny"?
15-Do you have a completely different name for them altogether?
25-Is the hip/fanny pack you wear of a bright, neon color?
25-Is it made primarily of two or more bright, neon colors?
40-Do its contents weigh more than a standard bowling ball?
60-Does it bear a slogan or insignia in English that is pure jibberish?

5-Do you wear a backpack on trips that don't require you to carry anything?
20-Does it have a capacity of more than 1 cubic foot?
35-2 cubic feet?
10-Does it have a special water bottle holder?
15-With a water bottle in it?
40-Filled with sparkling mineral water?
20-LUKEWARM sparkling mineral water?
30-Flavored mineral water?
40-Could your backpack hold major camping equipment?
50-If at a theme park, does it CURRENTLY hold major camping equipment?
40-Does your backpack bear a slogan or insignia in English that makes no sense whatsoever?
4-Do you have food in your backpack?
10-A full meal?
20-For two?
40-For more than two?
60-More than one meal?
8-Is it one of those tiny little purse-backpacks?

4-Are you wearing a hat?
6-That you never wear?
8-That you bought today?
10-That you will probably never wear again?
4-That you bought at your present location?
15-That you bought at the theme park you visited three days ago?
30-That bears writing indicating your hometown?
40-That bears writing indicating a vacation you took a few years ago?
80-That bears a slogan or insignia in English that means nothing whatever?
40-Does the slogan have an exclamation point at the end?
50-More than one?
40-Is your hat neon colored?
50-More than one neon colors?
20-Does your hat match any other persons in your party?
50-Does your hat match ALL other persons in your party?
80-Is the party made up of 30 or more people, all of which have matching hats?
5-Does your hat resemble a face or hat of a famous character?
80-Does everyone in your party have hats on of that SAME character?
70-Are you wearing a hat of a style that no American has seen before?

1-Are you wearing a watch?
4-That you bought today?
10-Does your watch have an excess of dials and indicators?
20-Is your watch abnormally large?
3-Does your watch have a mini-computer on it?
100-With your entire day's schedule programmed in, with audio alarms?
50-With TALKING audio alarms?
60-Do you have more than one watch on?

15-Are you wearing a Hawaiian shirt?
20-That you bought especially for your trip to Hawaii?
30-That still has the nifty Tag/Drink-Coaster attached?

10-Are you part of a large group?
30-Is it a tour group?
40-Is its name "<insert name> Tours"?
3-Are you following a tour guide?
50-Of which you do not belong to the tour?
30-Does your tour guide wave a flag in the air so you know where he/she is?
20-An American flag?
20-A flag from the country from where you came?
50-A neon flag?
100-With a nonsense slogan, in English, imprinted on it?
30-Do you have a special tour group yell?
50-Does your tour group have an umbrella instead of the flag?
80-At 7pm on a comfortable, sunny day?
40-Does it have a special pattern on it?
100-Is the pattern made up of more than one neon colors?
30-Do you have a "tote bag" with you, that was given out to the group?
20-Does the tote bag have the group's name on it?

3-Are you NOT wearing solid white socks?
20-Are they solid brown or black?
40-Are they some other solid color?
80-Neon?
10-Striped?
50-Checkered?
100-Spotted?
20-Plaid?
50-Are your socks pulled up to your knees?
1000-All of the Above, integrated together?

10-Walkie Talkies? (10 points per unit)
10-Additional points per brightly colored Walkie Talkie

20-Do you carry your keys around in plain view?
40-If so, does your keychain weigh more than a small child?
200-Is that because your keychain is ATTACHED to a small child via an elastic wire?

5-Are you wearing sunglasses?
30-Do they have enormous lenses that make you look like a fly?
30-Are they attached to one of those cords that keeps them from falling off?

10-Are you wearing brand new shoes?
30-Do your shoes contain neon colors?
250-Are they comprised SOLELY of neon colors?
50-Do your shoes contain insignia that is "supposed" to be American but isn't?
5-Do you have those shoelaces that curl themselves up?
20-Are you wearing shoes that fasten solely by velcro?
50-With zippers?
25-That don't need to be fastened at all?
80-And are nice enough to wear to, say, a wedding?

10-Do you carry a _____-English dictionary around wherever you go?
50-And have never opened it?
30-Do you use it extensively?
50-And always get it horribly wrong?

15-Do you thoroughly enjoy cursing in English?
40-Even more than you enjoy being on vacation?
70-So much that you put curse words together that make no sense?
100-And say them totally out of context, even when there's nothing to curse about?
50-Do you make up your own sayings with English curse words?
100-And repeat them endlessly?
80-Does your face light up delightedly whenever you curse?

2-Are you wearing a T-Shirt with a special logo or insignia on it?
40-Is the same shirt being worn by everyone in your party?
60-All the same size?
80-Is that size "Extra Small"?
30-Does your shirt have the size (e.g. XXL) printed in large letters across the front?
40-AND back?
40-Does your shirt contain the word "Authentic"?
30-"American"?
20-"Club"?
50-"Champion(s)"?
150-Does your shirt contain a slogan or insignia that was likely made by drawing random words from a hat?
120-Does your shirt consist primarily of one or more neon colors?
30-Did you buy your shirt today?
100-And not bother to take off the much-darker shirt that people can now easily read underneath?

2-Are you wearing a sweatshirt?
9-Around your waist?
21-Around your neck?
20-Did you buy your sweatshirt today?
50-Off a streetcorner vendor on the way?
10-Have you seen anyone wearing the same sweatshirt you are?
25-Did you make a point of notifying them of it?
20-Is anyone in your party wearing the same sweatshirt you are?
40-Is EVERYONE in your party wearing the same sweatshirt you are?
20,000-Is your sweatshirt made up primarily of a neon color? (windbreakers aren't sweatshirts)
20-Are you wearing nothing above the waist and below the neck EXCEPT a sweatshirt?
50-If this is the case, are you wearing it around your waist?
100-Around your neck?
15-Does your sweatshirt display its size in large letters across the front?
20-And back?
80-Does your sweatshirt contain an insignia or slogan in English which has no meaning, so much so that the maker of the sweatshirt probably doesn't even know what it's supposed to mean?

1-Are you wearing a jacket?
50-Is it neon colored? (windbreakers don't count)
32-Is it made of denim?
40-Does it have a large Tommy Hilfiger logo prominently displayed?

10-Do you have a photographic camera with you?
30-Does it weigh more than a small child?
100-Are you carrying a tripod around with you?
30-Did you bring along an attachable flash?
500-Does your camera require that strange film that is commonly used in such products as "My First Camera"
20-Are you carrying the camera around your neck?
30-Did you buy the camera neckstrap on vacation?
60-Are you carrying a camera bag around with you?
40-Does it have a variety of lenses in it?

50-Do you have a video camera with you?
10-points for each extra video tape you are carrying with you
70-Does your video camera have its own light source attached?
40-Do you more than one spare batteries with you for the video camera?
100-Are you carrying enough film with you to record constantly for the entire duration of your trip?
1000-Are you actually RECORDING the entire duration of your trip?
45-Do you videotape random people off the street?

10-Do you stop randomly?
50-In the middle of crowded walkways?
40-In line for rides?

100-Do you have a nametag on?
20-Provided by your tourgroup?
40-Provided by the location you are visiting?
100-If a sticker nametag, is it the same one you wore yesterday?
50-Does your nametag hang from a string around your neck?
50-With a photo ID?

100-Are you wearing a necktie?
400-Are you wearing a tuxedo?
250-Business suit?

4-Are you carrying souvenirs with you?
50-That you bought last week?
8-Do you buy those neon glow necklaces they sell for parades?
50-Enough to light up a decent-sized room?
80-Did you buy a particular souvenir, even though you saw it at a store near home for 50% less last week?

5-Are you wearing headphones?
100-Attached to nothing?
30-Playing Techno?
80-Playing music sung in English but obviously not from an English-speaking country?
100-If answered yes to either of the previous two, are you singing along?

5-Are you wearing a belt?
15-Even though you have no need for one?
40-Does your belt contain insignia or slogans in English with no meaning whatsoever?

100-If at an American theme park, do you find yourself saying "Wow, that's a GREAT deal!"?
200-Even if you don't know what "Wow, that's a GREAT deal!" means?

150-Do you keep a log of all the attractions you've seen, at the time you see them?

Score Interpretations

0-10: Probably not a tourist, and may even consider Tourist-Watching a hobby

10-50: Possibly a tourist, but may just have a strange quirk or two

50-100: Possibly a tourist, possibly trying to be annoying, possibly just has no fashion sense. Maybe just trying not to make European company look so out of place.

100-250: 3 Possibilities: a) Tourist. b) Entertaining out-of-town company. c) trying to be "hip"

250-500: Tourist, Tourist, Tourist. Not much else can be said.

500-1000: Extreme Tourist. The bulk of tourists fall into this category.

1000-5000: All-Around Tourist Champion. Most likely foreign, though not always.

5000+: Tourist, identifiable from up to 10 miles away, depending on air quality.

Free counters provided by Honesty.com.